The explosion of Ego & stroking a cat

I find life exceptionally hard. Now that’s not a negative statement, just a fact. I align this statement with the explosion of Ego (capital ‘e’). Ms. Ego is everywhere. As an introvert, I find this intolerable. I said to a friend yesterday, I feel the only thing I am now capable of – at my time of life – is sitting in the sun somewhere with a cat on my lap, stroking it like a mental patient. This is how hard I find life. But I love life, and love living – more about that later.

I grew up in a family where Ms. Ego had a home and a stage. Ms. Ego had a face, or rather there were two Ms.Egos in my birth family. And their word won out and their voices were the loudest and everyone cowered and agreed with them, and just did what they said we should do.

Ms. Ego – or the Narcissist – finds a home in all my novels. Her presence blots out the sun. In the company of Ms. Ego, my spirit, my soul and the souls and spirits of others withers and shrinks into invisibility. It makes us all feel small and unimportant.

But we are important. Everyone is important. Our lives are worthwhile. We’re all somebody’s daughter, son, sister, brother, auntie, uncle, friend – you name it. You’re heard that truism before.

I recently had a breakdown. Depression engulfed me. It’s still present but getting slightly better. I can’t cope with this modern world and the speed of change. So, I want to sit in the sun and stroke a cat and that’s all I feel I am good for now. After all these decades living, the hundred lives I have lived, I feel that’s all I can cope with. I make no money from my novels. None. Zero. Nobody buys my books anymore. I am an invisible speck in a mega-ocean of creative content. I write because I have stories to tell but no one is interested anymore. I won that bloody Award! Sold over 30,000 copies of that novel, but none of that was/is good enough.

The Mr and Ms Egos out there say they get it right. The Ego authors say they sell millions of books and they are successful, but I don’t believe them. It’s all a façade and this is my life, living in this smoke and mirrors world of Egos. I seek out real, go walking to find people to actually talk to in the flesh. I crave real-ness.

Hence the sunshine and the cat on my lap, two beautiful things that are real.

 

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